He knows what He is doing. I don’t

This summer is a life-changing summer.  Within the past 24 hours, I have submitted my application to medical school and taken the MCAT (Medical College Admissions Test).  For the past 8 weeks, my days were composed of 6+ hours of studying in preparation for, arguably, the biggest exam of my life.  Along the way, I have been stressing and second guessing myself, my knowledge, and my abilities.  Toward the end I started running out of gas (unfortunately I often took this out on my parents). I knew the preparation for the MCAT would be difficult and require a lot of time, energy, and motivation, but I didn’t fully understand exactly how taxing it would be.  I began questioning myself, lacking self-confidence, and wishing God had made me smarter, more motivated, or even led me to a different career path.  But after a couple of weeks of keeping my head in my MCAT books, when I finally put my head in the Good Book, I found this verse:

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him”

Philippians 2:13

It was then that I realized I was more focused on what I could do to prepare than asking for His strength to help me in the process.

I tried to turn a situation that God wanted to use to glorify Himself into a situation about me and my talents and all my hard work.  I can be so selfish sometimes, thinking that everything I achieve is through my own power.

The verse says that He gives you the desire…. I truly believe that God has called me to be a doctor, and when He calls us to do something He gives us the power.  He will give us the tools necessary to execute His plan.  I cannot be complacent and not do my part, but God has equipped me with what I need, His strength. (WHAT A RELIEF!)

I would always say that no matter what happens, I will trust that it is God’s will, because it seemed like what I should say, but this summer I have come to believe it.  I have learned how much of a difference it makes to take a step back and put myself in the mindset that I do everything for His glory and by His power.  I lost sight of this so many times along the way but allowing myself to rely on His strength for everything actually lifts a weight off of my shoulders. What a humbling experience to witness firsthand the truth that my strength comes from Him.  God knows me.  Precisely.  Perfectly. He knows my talents, as they have all come from Him. My talents are blood-bought gifts, not of my own abilities, but His grace.  God will get me into medical school in His own time, if that is His will.

Cast all your worries on God.  He is strength.


I’m not waiting for you, Mr. Right


Telling someone who is impatient to wait is like telling my 1-year old pug not to go fetch the ball after I throw it (he may be chubby but he likes to play). When I see something waved in my face and thrown, I go for it.  I want what I want.  I don’t want what I don’t want.  The end.  That is usually how I am.

It seems like every time I open Facebook, someone from high school has gotten engaged.  I am in no way saying this is a bad thing.  God is love and he wants us to love others and marriage is a form of glorifying God.  But as a single almost 21-year-old in college surrounded by men on campus in my daily life, I’ll admit that I catch myself looking for Mr. HeCouldPotentiallyBeTHEONE.  “OMG he likes chocolate croissants too?! HE COULD BE THE ONE.  Awwwwww!  He studies!  HE COULD BE THE ONE.  His birthday is exactly 6months before mine?! HE COULD BE THE ONE!”

Then my dog licks my face and I come back to reality and scold myself for letting my mind wander so foolishly.  I remind myself that I just need to sit and wait and Mr. Right will come to ME.  It’ll just all fall into place while I am sitting on the couch twiddling my thumbs.

But it won’t and it shouldn’t


Okay, hear me out.  I’m not trying to play the single martyr role and I am certainly not grabbing my butterfly net and going on a man hunt, but I am not just going to sit where I am and count the seconds until Mr. Right shows up in my life. You’re probably thinking, “Woah, aggressive” but wait!

Though I am excited for when I will come to realize the man God has chosen for me, it is also God’s timing that matters.  In the meantime, I want to travel, spend time with my loved ones, accomplish all that I have set out to do, and work to fulfill God’s plan for my life.  Because in all honesty, I don’t need Mr. Right to be able to start doing these things.   I am not saying my future husband won’t enhance my life tremendously and play a big role in my plan for Christ… but he won’t be the plan and I have more to do than sit on the couch and twiddle my thumbs until Mr. Right shows up at my doorstep.

I read a quote that inspired this entire blog post, “When my husband shows up, I won’t be sitting on the couch waiting for him.  I will be running to where God has me going next”.  I am trying to encourage myself to not just daydream about my future with my husband.  I shouldn’t only get excited about my wedding day and the family vacations to come because I can daydream about my future with God by side and all the amazing places He is going to take me.

God is perfectly orchestrating bringing me and my future husband together, but in a way that will give the most glory to Him and His kingdom.  When God decides to make the change from moving in my life to moving us together, I know Mr. Right will be able to run with me alongside the Lord.

Not your typical spring break

This week I am spending spring break with my family in Sun Valley, Idaho.  I’ve been skiing for 10+ years but this time it is a little different.  I feel a deep connection with God on this trip like never before.  I keep wondering why I felt so close to God here, and I think now I have an idea of why.

Let me tell you, being at the top of an 8000 ft mountain gives you a pretty great view.  A pretty great view of God’s wonderful creation.  Everywhere I would look, nature was pointing me back to the Creator. It was truly the humbling reality check I needed.  Then I began to count blessings that I usually overlook.

Thank you Lord for:

  • This beautiful creation that you so perfectly made
  • Good health so that I am able to ski
  • The opportunity to go on a trip like this
  • A family that I can share these memories with

While taking the ski lift from the bottom to the top of the mountain today I felt God speak something into my heart.  I realized that a mountain is very symbolic of our spiritual journey.   Though I am sure there are many different perspectives, this is the one God wanted me to focus on…  The bottom of a mountain is safe, comfortable, and it is a lot easier to breath when you aren’t at an altitude of 8000 feet.  On the other hand, the top of a mountain seems daunting, dangerous, and has a smaller oxygen supply.

The bottom of the mountain is like living the way of our flesh.  It is comfortable to give into our desires.  We feel safe when we are a part of the crowd.  On the contrary, the peak of the mountain is when we are living for and with God.  It can seem uncertain.  It is not as convenient and there is a lot further to fall.  But let me tell you this, the view is breathtaking and you’ll never want to go back down.   This is so emblematic of our relationship with our Creator.  When we are standing in our comfort zone and looking up, the top of the mountain seems frightening, but when we are at the top, we get to experience the overpowering view that God has created, as well as his perfect plan.

Where we are now may seem fine, secure, and good enough for us, but that’s not what God wants for our life.  His plans are so much bigger.  I know that choosing to live my life for the glory of God doesn’t promise comfort or an easy path, but God has promised that everything will work for His good and that he will always be faithful. The peace I felt in the mountains is also the peace that this promise brings me.  No material good, accomplishment, or level of status promises me the peace and unending love that God so graciously extends.  God is always faithful, even when we aren’t.  God’s plans are so much bigger than we can imagine.  All we need to do is join Him at the top of the mountain.



Why Girl Gone Wise

So my blog is titled “I want to be a Girl Gone Wise” but why a Girl Gone Wise?  What does that even mean?

I want to share with you what this phrase has come to mean to me.

A couple months ago I read a book by Mary A. Kassian titled “Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild”.  I picked up this book thinking that it would reiterate how I am the “good girl” and this world is full of corrupt and dishonoring people and influences.  How lucky God is to have a faithful follower like me to bring some light into this world!  I was in for a rude, but much needed, spiritual awakening.

It was only the second page when I realized that I, too, am actually a girl gone wild.  Not in the dancing on tabletops and participating in white t-shirt contests sense, though at times in my life I may have engaged in such events, but meaning wild as what we are when we disregard God’s plan and rely on the world or our own advice.

The book talks about the “Wild Thing” who on the outside, may actually present herself as very religious, goes to church each week and posts the occasional Bible verse.  She follows God, but only when it is convenient for her and aligns with her agenda to get what she wants. only when it is convenient for her and aligns with her agenda to get what she wants.  I won’t lie to you, this book stung a bit and felt like looking straight into a mirror, but it was truth. The truth I needed.

The majority of my nearly 21-year-old life has been a battle between being wild and wise or somewhere in between.  I have done things I am not proud of, but have just recently allowed myself to use these mistakes as a source of wisdom.  How can I look back on my darkest moments and biggest regrets and see that God is at work, even there?  It comes down to this: there is a choice to be made.  Which side of the spectrum are you on?  Wild or wise?  The wild side is where the party is.  It is where the guys are drooling, where you give into self-indulgence and believe the lies society tells us about what is popular.

On the other hand, the wise side means being different.  It means behaving, speaking, dressing differently than most, and possibly even your friends and family.  This was a troubling decision for me.  To say the invitation presented by the wild side doesn’t look appealing to me in my times of loneliness and despair would be a lie.

But then I remember the Samaritan woman at the well, a story that Kassian speaks about in her book.  Y’all, WE are this woman!!!  She goes to the well and she so desparately wants something to fill her bucket.  She had multiple husbands with power and prestige to try to fill her bucket.  I may not have been married multiple times but THIS IS ME. Whether it be sex, money, having the perfect job or house, being popular or whatever, we have all tried to fill our buckets with something that WILL. NOT. SATISFY.  The water will leak through.  We will remain thirsty.

God is the only thing that can fill our buckets. In Him, we can feel whole.  We can feel peace like never before in knowing that everything WILL be alright as long as we put our trust in Him.  The Samaritan woman decided to follow Jesus, leaving her wild ways behind, deciding to join those seated at the table of the wise.

This is why I want to be a Girl Gone Wise.  I want to leave the wild things that have captivated me for too long.  I am trying to walk forward with God.  I want my thirst to be quenched by God and God alone.  I want to be made over, head to toe, by the love of Christ.  I want to be overwhelmed by His grace.

This opportunity is for everyone.  God doesn’t just believe in second chances, He believes in another chance.  What a relief.  God will take us back, right where we are standing, with all the grime and dirt on us.  He can dust us off, restore us, and put us back on His perfect path.  All we must do is let Him take away our sins and work redemption through Our sins.

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace.” (Ephesians 1:7)

Even If

This past Sunday my pastor spoke on trusting in God’s plan. This seems so simple.  Yes, I trust God.  OF COURSE He knows what is best!  He made everything on this Earth perfectly and he will do the same with His will for me……

But when God doesn’t heal our sick loved one or we don’t get the job we really needed, it is so easy to wonder if God has packed His bags and moved far away.  It is so easy to give into confusion. Pastor Chip Henderson said, “There is purpose in the pain”.  My first though was, pain, ummmm, what??? I thought God loved me.  Why would he allow pain to be inflicted upon me? Why won’t He just answer my prayers?  This is not time to play hide-n-seek!  We must understand that there is a long term purpose in the immediate disappointment of this outcome.

We don’t always know why God does what He does.  We oftentimes think we know what is best for our circumstances.  However, Scriptures says that His ways are not our ways.  Sometimes we feel like God is silent or altogether absent.  We fail to get the response we want and we end up feeling deserted.  Still, God has a purpose, and for that we should not despair when He is silent.

It is easy to be happy and loving God when everything is being given to us.  But when times get tough and God isn’t making clear what His plan is, we can waver, we can doubt, we can second-guess.

Don’t do this.

Why might God be silent?  Maybe if He seems silent, you have stopped listening to His voice.  Maybe the things of the world have drowned out His voice.  Maybe His silence is indeed the answer to your question. He may do this because he is allowing for our character to strengthen so we can accept the answer he has planned to give us.  His timing is perfect.  His ways our not our ways, and Praise God for that!  Maybe it is because we have allowed our voice to be louder than His.  When we are full, we are selective when it comes to what we eat. I’ll take the Peanut M&Ms over the carrot sticks please.  When we are hungry, the carrot sticks may looks a little more like a Cheeto.  When we come to God when we are full, we often ask him for things that will accomplish our own plans, our will. Spiritually, hunger can make me more grateful for when I hear God’s voice loud and clear. God’s silence can humble us.  

Listen. The silence is how it feels, NOT how it is.

I heard a song on the radio this morning by Mercy Me.  It is titled Even If.  I encourage you to take a listen, but here are some of the lyrics that truly resonated with me.


“It’s easy to sing
When there’s nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I’m held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Good thing
A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can”